Lately, I have been drawn to particular songs. I love the melody, but it's the words that have this song running through my distracted mind this morning.
This is Chris Tomlin at Passion 2013 singing "Whom Shall I Fear"
(Here is the video with the lyrics. If you haven't heard it or want to read the lyrics-written at the bottom of the page, I would encourage you too)
Today, I found myself saying "What" shall I fear? I received a phone call from our very beloved Nurse Christy yesterday as I was beginning my subbing day at the elementary school. (She is Dr. Merchant's nurse, and ANYTIME I need answers or just to talk, I can call her or shoot her an email. She is never too busy and is more than eager to help in anyway that she can.) She wanted to clarify some updates through emails we had been shooting back and forth. My concern being that Ivee's appointments were suppose to be at the end of July/beginning of August, and were scheduled in September, after school started.
Dr. Merchant is very adamant about Ivee seeing a pulmonologist on our next visit to the Jude. She has so many issues with sickness and has had some O2 saturation issues lately, especially back in February when we couldn't do her scan. The pulmonologist is only in the hospital a couple of times a month. (St. Jude has many outside doctors that come and help with their patients) So, they have to try to schedule her appointments so we can see the pulmonologist.
Well, as she was explaining his continued concerns about these things, Christy broke the news to me. Dr. Merchant wants to push Ivee out to 6 months scans.
*My heart and chest tightened and I felt a throbbing in my ears. I had a flood of different emotions. Let me see if I can even begin to explain....*
You know from the beginning that if your child is going to beat this monster of Ependymoma, that eventually she won't need the MRIs every 3/4 months. Usually, this jump from 3/4 months to 6 months is the 3 year mark post treatment. That is/was the plan/process with her first occurance. We reached the 3 year mark in August of 2010 when Ivee had reached the three year anniversary of her "end of treatment" of her 2006 brain tumor diagnosis. It was after that milestone anniversary and her scan in July 2010 that she began 6 months scans. It was also after that time that on her first 6 month scan, in Jaunary 2011, we found out Ivee's cancer had returned with no outer signs of tumor growth.
Now, here we are not even two years out from the end of her second radiation treatment and we are being cleared for 6 month scans. Nurse Christy asked me if I was okay with the changes. After a deep sigh and breath, all I could say is, "Well, it makes me nervous and scared, but we know this day has to come. I trust Dr. Merchant, and if he is comfortable with this move, I will have to trust it is the right decision." She definitely told me she completely understood, and assured me that if at anytime I felt something was wrong, all I have to do is make a phone call and they would bring us straight up.
I found it to be not as hard bringing it up to Emmett last night. Maybe cause I've had to tell him so many horrible things in the last 7 years and this wasn't so awful. I could see the tears swell in his eyes. As we laid down to go to sleep last night, we talked about it. He had the same reaction I did. Just a flood of different emotions. We did know this day had to come. We are full of mixed emotions still. We are excited that Dr. Merchant thinks she is going to be healed of this disease. (Not that he has said it out loud, but actions speak loudly in the medical world as well) We are happy we won't have to travel to Memphis 4 times a year, now it will just be 2 times. We are fearful of the time from one scan to the next. We will have to depend on our knowledge of our daughters body. We will have to watch much more closely for signs of tumor return and shunt malfunction. I don't really like counting on myself for this. That probably gives me the most worry.
BUT....I am reminded...Why should I fear? Whom shall I fear? What shall I fear? Nothing. I have believed in God for the healing of Ivee's body...completely. I will not let the enemy try to place fear in my mind and affect what I know in my heart. That GOD is in control. I feel his promises daily. I will remind myself of those promises, and I will remind the Lord of them.
So, this "song" above I leave with you.....
You hear me when I call
You are my morning song
Though darkness fills the night
It cannot hide the lightWhom shall I fear
You crush the enemy
Underneath my feet
You are my sword and shield
Though troubles linger stillWhom shall I fear
I know who goes before me
I know who stands behind
The God of angel armies
Is always by my sideThe one who reigns forever
He is a friend of mine
The God of angel armies
Is always by my side
My strength is in Your name
For You alone can save
You will deliver me
Yours is the victoryWhom shall I fear
I know who goes before me
I know who stands behind
The God of angel armies
Is always by my sideThe one who reigns forever
He is a friend of mine
The God of angel armies
Is always by my side
And nothing formed against me shall stand
You hold the whole world in Your hands
I'm holding on to Your promisesYou are faithful
I know who goes before me
I know who stands behind
The God of angel armies
Is always by my sideThe one who reigns forever
He is a friend of mine
The God of angel armies
Is always by my side
(Chris Tomlin: Whom Shall I Fear: God of Angel Armies)
